Resolutions
So, Nadia asked me what my New Year’s resolution would be for 2010 and I told her I had none.
“What?” she said, “you are the most goal oriented person I know.”
“Yeah, well, 2009 didn’t work so well for me so I not going down that road this year. No resolutions, less disappointments, you know?” I quipped.
“What are you talking about?” She countered.
“Well, I really wanted to get pregnant in 2009 and I didn’t.”
“Yes, but that was completely out of your control. Getting pregnant is not a resolution.”
And you know what? She’s right. And I need to let it go. At least, I need to let go of the self-blame that has grown out of my infertility.
My infertility is completely out of my control. My failures are not reflections of me as a person. My infertility is completely out of my control. My failures are not relfections of me as a person…
Now I just have to say those two sentences to myself every day 20x at a fast pace.
If I review the last decade, it was actually very good. I came out. Feel in love. Got married. Bought a condo. Enrolled in seminary.
In the context of all of my accomplishments throughout the decade, my infertility does not loom quite so large. I know that 2010, will have a lot of ups and downs but I’m confident that this new decade will bring the child that Nadia and I were meant to have.
Happy New Year!
What a wonderful moment!
It is so hard to not become our infertility. I struggle with that enmeshment as well. From the beginning Husband has been so frustrated with me because I always had this magical idea that I WAS in control. And of course, I had to do whatever I could to manage it, and pursue it, but I’m not in control of it. When he got his translocation diagnosis, I saw that he really meant it–he could feel sad about it, but he felt that it was out of his control, nothing he did could have changed it, or created it.
So here’s to 2010, the year we both try to learn to live with what is real, knowing our strenght, and getting our babies, one way or another!
1That was a wise answer. And I think that your decade sounds wonderful, and I have no doubt the next one will as well. “Getting pregnant is a note a resolution.” I like it. I’ll be reminding myself as well.
2I’m all a twitter wondering about the home study! Ready to share yet?
3