No Perfect Adoption Agency, Part Deux
I know that I haven’t blogged in a while but there is actually too much to say.
Have you ever started to write a post and then stopped? Well, that’s happened to me about a gazillion times in the last few weeks.
My head is on over loaded again so let’s see if I can do this justice…
Okay, the situation with the birth mom I wrote about fell through. Thanks to all of you who took the time to read those posts and to comment and email me. I really, really appreciate it.
I may write about that in another post at some point in the future but for now let’s just say that it was a bust and let’s move on.
Since then Nadia and I decided to work with an agency–agency C. They already have our home study. And I we filled out a whole mess of paper work, signed it, sealed it, and it’s ready to be delivered.
But for some reason I haven’t been able to mail the paperwork. It’s been sitting on my desk for over a week. Something about Agency C’s matching process has not been sitting well with me.
One piece of paper stands out a part from the rest. It’s the form that lets them know what kinds of ’situations’ we are open to, i.e.: birth mom with mild drug use in first trimester, birth mom who engaged in serious drug use throughout the entire pregnancy, birthfather with serious mental illness, or birthfather unknown, etc.
After that paperwork is filled out, it goes into their central registry, which is accessed by their offices in several states, and the social workers match us with a birth mom based on the info in that registry. Based on that paperwork, our profile is shown to birth moms who fit our profile. So in other words, after that paperwork is mailed, unlike all of the other agencies we’ve considered, we will never again get to weigh in on the selection of the birth mom. That paper, defines our fate, so to speak.
And I guess I was hoping to be more involved in the process, even after we made the shift to an agency. Other agencies may call a prospective adoptive parent to say ” a birth mom has selected you and three other families. Here is everything we know about her. Would you like us to show her your larger profile? Would you like to move forward with her based on what we know so far?” And, at that point, we would have the opportunity to think about it and say, ‘yes’ or ‘no.’ I think my control issues are bubbling up again and I’m feeling very anxious about this whole adoption thing.
As you know, I’ve been working on the transition from the ttc to adoption and damnit, I feel as if I’m made a huge amount of progress since my colossal IVF cycle failure in Nov.
One thing I’ve thought about is how this kind of transition is cyclical, like the stages of any grieving process.
Now, I’m at a point where I need to make the transition from fantasizing about what my biological child would look like, and all of their other genetic traits– based on my gene pool and that of my sperm donor– to just being open to various situations, shapes, sizes and shades.
And, let me tell you something ladies, it’s a little hard.
One of the ironies here is that my family’s gene pool isn’t so damn great. I mean we’ve got serious mental illness, alcoholism, cancer-almost any kind you can think of, just to name a few. But, somehow, turning the entire process over to another ‘entity’ has been really getting to me.
In the midst of my paralysis around Agency C’s paper work, I discovered another option, Agency D.
Agency D, is a teeny tiny agency here in New York. They don’t do many placements per year. They are extremely gay friendly, and have been for 23 years. In fact, many of their board members are members of the LGBT community. They don’t have price differentials between African American or white babies and our enrollment process would be relatively quick. They also feel very strongly about allowing adoptive families to take babies home from the hospital. Out of all of the agencies we’ve considered, Agency D is most aligned in terms of values and process, with Nadia and me. The only drawback is that their census is low relative to other agencies, which could prolong our wait. Ugh!
So this week, we have appointments with Agency C or Agency D to discuss our concerns. Hopefully, we will make a decision by the end of the week.
We chose a very small agency because we felt comfortable with them and felt that their values were most closely aligned with ours. They placed 7 babies in 2009. I too was worried about a long wait. It took 5 months to get approved, then we waited 1 MONTH to get our beautiful daughter. You just never know. Go with your gut!
1My advice is to go with your gut. Our wait may or may not (who knows really) be longer because of the way our agency matches from the top-down on a list. Not to say that they couldn’t go all the way to #28 where we are if they aren’t finding a good match, but the chances are still pretty slim. On top of that they’ve been pretty slow with placements lately. I have to keep reminding myself that we chose them because we trust their process and the fact that they’ve been around for 29 years. Good luck!
2I can imagine why you might second-guess yourself while making such a difficult, life altering decision but, as others have said, trust your gut.
3I’ve been thinking about you and wondering where you guys were in the adoption process.
Thanks for keeping us in the loop and we’re still here cheering from the sidelines!!
4Question, is there a rule against registering with both agencies?
5Man, I am so sorry that the last birth mom situation fell through.
As for navigating the adoption agencies, that makes me queasy! The whole process seems overwhelming. Wouldn’t it be nice if (FOR ONCE) there was a clear answer? But I just know that the fact that you have qualms about the process at the agency and haven’t sent the envelope has to say something about how you feel about them. I echo the others: follow your heart and your gut. You are a wise woman.
6i’m very sorry your situation didn’t work out. hang in there; it will happen for you & nadia
as for the agencies, i also say go with your gut. sometimes it is better to go with the option that just feels right and fits you, rather than the option that seems like the “right” choice. i checked out a few other agencies before deciding on our agency. it is small, local (nj and pa), the expectant/birth mothers choose you, and you have a say in accepting situations and changing your acceptable situation criteria.
7that is odd that you couldn’t weigh in again with agency C. of course you could have your profile shown but then not agree to move forward if the situation doesn’t sound right for you. you still have control over that part. most agencies will also let you reconsider what types of situations you might be open to, especially if you’ve been waiting awhile.
sounds like agency D could be a better fit. you could always do your own outreach to supplement what they do. it made me feel as if I was doing something, as opposed to just passively waiting at the mercy of the agency to show our profile…
but you’re right, there is nothing easy about this process. wishing you all well as you move ahead…
8I found your blog on the ICLW list. I can really relate to your struggle. My husband and I had two failed IVFs, a miscarriage and a failed FET before we called it quits. Mourning the loss of biology has been really hard for me, but we are moving forward with adopting from Korea. We never looked into domestic adoption, so I don’t know much about how it works, but I was surprised to read the differences between agencies A, B, C and now D. Nothing’s easy when it comes to building a family!
9Since I had to wait what I thought was an interminable time, I know how difficult the process can be, particularly if you have no one to talk to about it. It makes you wonder and second guess everything. The hardest part for a control freak like me is not being able to steer the ship so to speak. But as it happened, we did turn down one birthmother who had chosen us because it wasn’t the right situation for us. I cried and cried over it but it was the right decision. As always, your instinct will guide you.
It is tough to make that shift, for me, it took months, but when my little guy smiles at me, my love proves to be stronger than my fear.
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