Inching Towards Adoption Finalization
When I was trying to get pregnant, I was always waiting. Waiting to start a cycle, waiting to trigger my ovulation, for insemination, waiting to do a pregnancy test, waiting for the doctor to call with lab results. It was excruciating and one of the things that I liked about getting off of the trying to conceive train (TTC) train was the fact that I wouldn’t have to do any of that crap any more.
So then, I started the adoption process and I started another wait. Instead of waiting for my body to do something, I was often waiting on someone else. First and foremost was the paper wait. i spent a lot ot time waiting for paper to be sent, filled out, filed, and approved.
Then, I launched my ad campaign and started waiting for the phone to ring! Every day, I would wait by the phone and that was a different shade of hell. It was more externalized, less personalized, and gave me a little distance from the voices in my head that beat me up when I’m under stress, but I still heard voices.
This is never going to work. You are never going to be a mom. You’ve made another mistake.
Luckily, after three years, we finally turned a corner.
Okay, now that we have our precious Baby Jay, I feel like I am running the last leg of a marathon. I am almost there, tired, and out of breathe, but I see the finish line.
Jay’s birth mom has until Friday to change her mind. After Friday, in the court’s mind, she would have relinquished any of her rights to Baby Jay and we will be free to more towards adoption finalization. Friday, June 18th, represents a crossing over of sorts for me and it makes this wait all the more difficult.
This time, I have the baby. I know his smile, his smell, his likes and dislikes. I am no longer living in the realm of fantasy. This is real. Jay is my son. When I hold him in my arms, when I am burping him, for example, it couldn’t be more real. I know his cries: hungry, gassy, and tired. It would be beyond words devastating if Baby Jay’s birth mom were to call before Friday. Even though it hasn’t even been a month since I met him, I can’t even imagine my life without him. Nadia is counting down the days and has been since we brought him home. I am not and I’m not quite sure why.
I have been thinking, Friday will come and go and he will be ours. But as Friday nears, I keep thinking about what his birth mom could be going through. What is she thinking? How is she feeling? Has she thought about picking up the phone? She has our 1-800# and my email; I gave them to her. She could call me or the agency at any time. Does she have regrets? Or is she is fiendishly trying to put the whole thing behind her and move on with her life?
I guess I will never know. But what I do know is that whatever she thinks and doesn’t think, I will forever be in her debt because she gave me a perfect gift; she gave me this moment. I am Jay’s mom. The is what I have been waiting for: the here and the now with my son.
Eva, this was so beautiful. June 18 is the perfect day for the cement which binds you and Nadia to him to thicken. It’s a great crossover day, because it’s also the day I finally crossed over and delivered my firstborns. I was just wondering how you were doing in your new momhood.
1Oh, what a little sweetie! You are a wonderful mom. I’m glad you all are doing well! I have been thinking about you and your impending date. Congrats.
2sniffle sniffle! You’re getting me all choked up again! Baby JAY! He’s in your arms, and 2 days closer to be all yours.
3It’s hard not to wonder about the feelings of the birth mother…I worry about the egg donor!
i’ve been thinking of your date, as it is creeping up slowly and i feel as if it will go past as this past month has – strictly uneventful!
4I can only imagine how great your anticipation is right now. How wonderful to hear you talk about how filled your heart is. I am looking forward to a jubilant post on Saturday!!
5i have nothing to say except that i’m still here rooting you on.
okay i’ll admit that this was a beautiful post and you have me crying over here!
6Your son. Oh, Eva, what a beautiful, beautiful picture, and beautiful, beautiful words.
7Beautiful indeed. I hope the time passes quickly.
8I’ve always imagined waiting for that date to pass must be the biggest, scariest thing about an adoption like yours. Thinking about it makes me cry. Roll on Saturday.
9Hoping tomorrow comes and goes like any other day. Your little one looks like he knows he’s right where he is supposed to be.
10Oh, so beautiful. I’m glad to see your post, I wondered how you were doing. I hope that tomorrow passes in the way that you are hoping for.
11You know what I said before and I still mean it…Zen like you said it’s already written on your heart.
12Hoping today is an uneventful day of eating, burping and pooping.
13Congrats! You two will make wonderful mothers!
14Yay for you, Nadia, and Baby Jay! We were in the same boat waiting for our 30 days to pass and I was the one not worried. I’m so happy for the three of you!
15I know the feeling. Can you send me the password? He is beautiful beyond words, beyond all comprehension – have you felt his breath on your face? Isn’t it the best?
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