An Awkward Post About Parental Leave
Writing about my parental leave situation is tricky because I don’t want to seem ungrateful, especially in light of the fact that I start a four month parental leave next Wednesday. And I realize that I also run the risk of casting my employer in a negative light, if I say too much, which is the last thing I would like to do. Also, now that I’ve shown my face around here a few times, I feel weird letting it all hang out, but I’ll get used to it.
I think it’s important that I share a little bit about my experience because it’s a huge issue for all families and, hopefully, you will share too.
From the moment I told my colleagues at work that Nadia and I got “the call” about Baby Jay’s birth, everyone at my job has been extremely supportive. Let’s face it, the whole situation, could have led to some very awkward moments because no one at my job knew that we were trying to adopt a baby; it just seemed to happen out of the blue. Fortunately for me, my job allows for 3 months paid parental leave for pregnant women, their spouses, and adoptive parents, which I know is extremely rare in this country, so it’s kind of perfect.
Even though I was dying to be with Baby Jay, I didn’t take my leave right away because two weeks before Baby Jay’s birth, I was given some “very important” extra responsibilities for the summer and I knew that leaving abruptly would not be viewed favorably. Additionally, after looking into her leave policy, Nadia learned that she would be able to take some time off to spend with our son, so I knew that he would be in excellent hands–eventually.
Given the emergency nature of the placement, Baby Jay, spent his first month with us with a beloved baby sitter during the working hours. She has taken care of several children in our building over the years. But, no matter who it is, it’s hard to leave your child with someone else, when you want to be on The One taking care of his every need. Obviously, in many respects, the care giving situation was less than ideal during that firts month, but Nadia and I muddled through the unexpectedly delightful first months of mommy hood, as sleep deprived as we are were.
When I finally broached the subject of my leave with one of supervisors, imagine my surprise when he told me that he would like me to consider delaying my leave a little further–like six weeks further–when my son would be about 5 months old.
Huh?
Was this because my son was adopted? or because he has two moms? or was it just work -life politics circa 2010? Who knows? And, ultimately, who cares. I didn’t think about this one long enough to turn it into an adoption teachable moment.
Dear readers, you will be happy to know that with the backing of human resources, my wife, and many of my colleagues, I politely demurred. I will be on parental leave with Baby Jay from September 1 until January. Yes, my three months leave was extened to four months due vacation time accrued and holiday office closings.
So, I am thrilled to have the time off to finally bond with my son after so many years of waiting for this miracle, but if I hadn’t stood my ground, it was have started after Baby Jay’s 5-month birthday. Even though I have ‘great benefits” my experience has made me curious about other people’s family leave experiences.
So leave a comment to let me know how about your family leave experience. I would love to hear how the initial ‘conversation’ went with your supervisor. Was s/he supportive? or did s/he fake a smile? Also, were you made to feel guilty for taking the time you need? If you are a non-bio parent, were you able to take any time? And, if you are an adoptive parent, how did/does your employer handle parental leave?
i am working on this right now with HR at my school system as we plan for our son to come home (we are adopting from korea). it’s so much trickier with adoption and it’s so unfortunate to have to jump through so many more hoops or to have people assume that it’s totally different from maternity leave after a pregnancy, because it’s really not. glad things are working out and enjoy your precious time with your new little one!
1happy iclw!
Huge congrats on the adoption of your son. You and your wife must be thrilled. Also, good for you for sticking to your guns and getting the parental leave when you wanted it.
#28 ICLW
2Congratulations on your son! When I told my supervisor I am pregnant, I promised him I would return after 3 months. He responded: “We’ll see and talk about it when you get to that point.” I still think I’ll be back after 3 (I have to use my accrued annual and sick leave and would like to save some for our next child–if we’re so lucky!), but it was nice to know that my boss understands the challenges of being a new, working mom.
Happy ICLW!
3#172
I work for a progressive organization that was campaigning for Paid Family Leave legislation at the time my partner gave birth. (The legislation would provide leave for married people, possibly domestic partners, and legal relatives. Not for queer families with even minimally complicated legal relationships. Marriage can’t solve all our problems, folks!)
I hadn’t been working at the job for long, so I wasn’t entitled to any leave. (On the other hand, I wasn’t all that essential yet to the organization’s projects.) More importantly, I’d never known anyone in my situation — non-bio, non-adoptive mom getting a new baby — since we were among the first of our mostly queer friends to have kids. So I summoned my courage to ask for what seemed to me like a big request: three paid weeks.
Right away I knew that I’d asked for much less than my boss expected, since it was granted without a second’s hesitation, and she looked way too relieved. But she never suggested that more was possible, or that I might be underestimating my capacity to return to work so quickly. As far as I can tell, she just took the opportunity to squeeze more work out of me, and ran with it. (In return, she got some pretty scattered work and a lot of lateness, which made our relationship harder than necessary. That’s another unfair thing that happens to workers who aren’t allowed enough time off to take care of their families. And I still put a lot into the work, and she still got a lot out of it, which makes the whole thing feel even more unjust.)
For other dykes out there who are trying to figure out what’s fair: my partner got eight months paid leave, since she’d had the same job for more than a decade, and her supervisors care about their workers’ human development. A better-informed person in my position could have asked for at least 6-8 weeks, and maybe more as a starting point for negotiation.
And a supervisor who gave a #$% about families would have quietly helped their worker navigate a complicated situation more skillfully, instead of just seizing on a good deal offered by an inexperienced dealer. But don’t hold your breath!
4It makes me angry that you have to seem grateful for something that should be a basic right. Most European countries have way better leave policies than we do here.
5Good for you for sticking to your guns. I am self employed, but I had to turn down a lot of work because I was just too freaking exhausted to be working nights. I waited so long to be a mother, I didn’t want to be away from him. I felt absolutely horrible because – you know, you want to make may hay while the sun shines. I am very fortunate however, that my husband’s salary can support us.
6ugh. this whole issue makes me so angry. we like to pretend that we lived in a civilized country, but canada and europe have such far more progressive policies and protections for women and families.
I fought really hard to get my leave extended and took some time unpaid too. I work at a tiny nonprofit housed in a large bureaucracy so my situation was sort of unique. people were generally supportive — except the huge HR dep’t which did not want to make an exception or set any precedent. though (1) planning was hard because everything had a contingency (ie, this may or may not happen; I may or may not get a last-minute placement, etc.), and (2) pregnant women and women who give birth are entitled to far more time of with disability pay, so I argued that HR didn’t really have to treat my case so differently (ie, I wouldn’t be gone much longer than a mother who took all of her leave; so they shouldn’t discriminate). still, it was a hassle, though I was grateful it all worked out.
i’m offended that they would ask you to wait longer than you already did. but I’m glad you got what you wanted, eventually!
p.s. for some reason, my google reader stopped carrying your blog feed last month. not sure why?
7I get 12 weeks of FMLA leave, and that is it. 6 weeks will be partially paid because I will be on short term disability. I wanted to use some vacation after those 12 weeks are up, but my boss won’t approve that. I will definitely use all of my vacation, but I will have to spread it out.
I do have the option of working from home while I’m out on FMLA. The advantage of doing this is that I will still be bringing money in, and it will extend my time at home. The disadvantage is that I will be working instead of focusing on my baby.
I feel the same way you do where I do have good benefits so I can’t really complain, but the way my supervisor has acted is not quite right.
Adoptive parents get the same amount of time, 12 weeks of FMLA. The do not, however, get the 6 to 8 weeks of short term disability, so it is all unpaid. The same goes for fathers. That is something I definitely do NOT agree with.
8Wow, interesting. I’m glad you were able to stick it out and get your leave when you want it.
I don’t think my workplace even has short-term disability (joy of working in the public sector) but obviously there is FMLA, sick time and vacation time. Me leaving isn’t a problem, I’ve been keeping my supervisor up to date and he knows it can be instantaneous. So far no squawking from his end. If we have an instantaneous placement I might have to spend a couple of days getting projects in order in case someone else takes them over while I’m gone but that’s about it.
DH on the other hand is planning on taking his 12 weeks FMLA after I take mine. So, DH told his boss, he’d be taking a week or so when we get placement and then the 12 weeks after mine are up. No big deal, they have 3 months to plan for him being gone. His boss said, “ok”. However, a few weeks later his boss said to DH “hmm…you know, we’ll have to check with HR to see if you are allowed to take that leave”. I laughed for about 5 minutes straight. It’s the law, of COURSE he can take it. However, he’s the only man in his office to ever plan on taking the full 3 months. (insert eye roll here). I’m sure it’ll be fine but it’s been amusing how perplexed his boss is over this.
9Wow I can’t believe they asked you to wait to take your leave, but I am thrilled for you that you are now on it. You have four fabulous months ahead of you. I love being on leave. I didn’t have any problems getting it, but I live in Canada, work at a union job and was the one pregnant.
10I was 5/6 months pregnant when I interviewed for my job. I was recruited and then retained on a flexible schedule. My leave, 12 weeks unpaid FMLA. The US sucks for family friendly policies.
11I’m having a similar, albeit, different experience with ttc (still. trying. ugh.). I’m at a new job that finally has IVF benefits, but I’m scared to exercise my right to use them, as well as leave for doctors appointments and the like. The RE informed me that I have the legal right to leave for necessary health treatments, but like you, we know that just because one has a right doesn’t mean that it’s easy politically at work to exercise that right.
Also, when I became a (non-bio) mama a year and a half ago, I didn’t want to rock the boat with taking full leave under FMLA. So I took 2 weeks
.
So while I’m not an adoptive parent (sorta), I can understand where you’re coming from.
12Sheesh, I came back to see what others had posted after me and reread my comment….
I meant to say that obviously I can take FMLA and that I’m allowed to use sick time and vacation time if I want to get paid. It was so not clear the first time I wrote it!
Ironically, I’ll almost have the 12 weeks covered with full pay because it’s taken so long for us to become parents. huh.
13My partner and I had been working at our respective jobs for so long that we both were able to take the full FMLA as paid sick leave. When we adopted our two boys (all at once), we took the first couple weeks together. Then we each went back to work half days, so that we extended our leave to nearly 24 weeks. After that, my partner, who works at a school, had summer vacation. So we didn’t have to worry much for the first 8 months or so.
Both of our employers were really supportive, and had been waiting for the call with us for some months. We had the whole support system figured out and in place by the time we were able to adopt. We are both government employees, but with wonderful bosses, so that made it possible. I don’t know what I would have done otherwise.
14Good for you for not deferring your leave. I took the 12 weeks of FMLA. 8 of them partially paid with short term disability. What pissed me off was that I did not get any extra days for all the holidays that fell during my leave. There were lots, as I delivered right after Thanksgiving. So I just lost all those paid holidays.
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