Mommies Here!

What a roller coaster ride!

So I had my saline sonogram, aka my “no pain no gain exam” and it hurt like hell, but I got through it by gritting my teeth and holding Nadia’s hand. After the torture was over, I was expecting my doctor to say, ‘Congratulations, the surgery was a major success and you are all set to go!” In retrospect maybe I was a little naïve.

He told me that my uterus ‘looked good’ that there were no longer any masses or major distortions. However, he did take the time to draw me a picture so that I could see what he saw.

Apparently, because of the surgery, my uterus is still slightly distorted, though far better than it was before. I looked at him with a kind of WTF face and he said, ‘what does this mean? Well, I don’t know.” I wanted to say, ‘You don’t know? You mean to tell me that I have endured major abdominal surgery, two weeks of excruciating pain followed by four weeks of manageable pain and discomfort and at the end of all of that, you don’t know how to interpret this very costly picture of my uterus? WTF?!?” That was what I wanted to say, but the reality is that I was feeling too vulnerable to say anything. I know that there are no guarantees in life, but since he encouraged me to have the surgery, I was hoping for a more positive result. I really was.

We agreed that I would call him when Auntie Flow paid a visit and that I would start the next injectible cycle later this month.

After the visit, I was not a happy camper. In fact, I will confess that I was on the verge of tears when Nadia—the eternal pessimist—showed me some sunshine.

She said that she heard things differently. She said that she thought he seemed very positive. She reminded me that doctors rarely commit to anything. She told me that I should take what he said in stride and not allow myself to think negatively. She said she felt good about the visit and that she was excited to start trying again.

I’m glad that she was there to lead me out of the darkness.

Nadia sent me a bouquet of you can do it flowers, so I am feeling much better today.

Besides, I had my first visit with my new acupuncturist today and she seemed to know the ins and outs of the in/fertility treatment world here in New York City.

I liked her because she was unassuming yet informed. I don’t ever see her mixing up IVF with IUI like my former acu. In fact when I told her that my former acu used to get confused, she seemed appalled. She has a calming way about her.

I feel like I can do this.

10. People who read my blog. I love the commentors, lurkers and emailers who care about my TTC journey and cheer me on.

9. Good health insurance. I had a friend who recently had a hysterectomy and got a bill in the mail for $27,000.

8. My fuzzy, wuzzy cats and their undying love.

7. Chocolate

6 Pillows.

5. Draw string pants and other clothes in the back of my closet that don’t aggravate my incision.

4. The Repro Blogosphere. I am so glad that I am not alone in my madness.

3. Surviving Surgery. Let’s hope that my doctor is right and that we eliminated the root cause of my infertility.

2. My friends and family who put up with me.

1. Nadia, wonderful, wonderful, wonderful.

I want to thank the universe for all of these wonderful things in my life.

Nadia talks about foster care and adoption a lot! Sometimes I hate it and sometimes I’m moved by it and sometimes it hurts my feelings because I feel as if she’s rejecting my spawn.

Today, we had a great exchange. I think we’ve finally come to a meeting of the minds. But please don’t hold your breath– I don’t want your demise on my conscience.

Nadia and I have ‘decided’ that we will have two kids. First I will give birth and then we will adopt a foster child. For those of you who have been following this egg drop drama, this may seem like a so what, but for Nadia and I, this is actually a watershed moment.

We debated on whether or not to have kids for approximately six years. We debated whether or not we would have one or two kids for the same amount of time. Throughout the majority of our relationship (we are approaching 8 years), I have been completely ambivalent about having kids. For most of my life, I rejected the idea of motherhood in its entirety.

So, I know that it is a bit odd for Nadia to discover that giving birth is all I think about. On the other hand, Nadia has shared my ambivalence about starting a family for the longest time. As a teenager she used to fantasize about having five kids, but she was never clear on how she actually got them. At any rate, it’s strange for me to discover that she is passionately committed to adopting a foster child. I never knew how much that meant to her. Sometimes you discover a thing about a loved one while she is discovering the same exact thing about herself.

I think that the TTC journey, particularly these last few months, stirred up a lot of thoughts and emotions for Nadia.

So, despite the fact that Nadia accompanied me on my first visit to Dr Feelgood, my wonderful RE, and helped me pick out donors on numerous occasions, I now know for a fact that we were at a bit of an impasse while I was actively trying to conceive.

Now, I think we have moved significantly closer in our approach to childrearing. I think that this forced break has given us time to breathe and hear one another. And the fact that we can actually hear one another makes all of the difference. Little by little we are figuring out a way for us to both get what we want.

In our perfect world, we both win and Godot gets a sibling.

I discovered Lesbian Dad on the same day that Nadia jokingly complained to me about how hard it was to be a lesbian dad. “Being a lesbian dad ain’t easy,” she said. “You have to get up early to take your wife to the doctor so she can have her blood drawn and her poonanny checked by an objective third party. I’m tired,” she said. And we both laughed because we were both tired. Tired of the doctor visits, not to mention the fact that it was barely 5 am.

At that moment, however, I thought about how challenging it must be to be the non-bio mom in this equation. I keep forgetting because I’m feeling very self-absorbed these days. Pumped up on fertility medication, I experience life in a daze so I’m not as present as I used to be. When Nadia joked about the challenges of being a lesbian dad, I thought about how easy it would be for her to stay in bed in the morning and let me go the doctor by myself. And I wondered what I would do if the situation were reversed.

I don’t know what I would do if she were on fertility medication; constantly scrounging the internet for information; investigating new fertility treatments; reading every book written on the topic; and repeatedly recalculating the odds of getting pregnant ‘this cycle’ with a frenzied look in her eye.

I don’t know how I would feel if I recently chose to have a hysterectomy to remove my fibroids. Nadia never wanted to give birth so she had no qualms about having her uterus removed when her fibroids got too big. How would I respond to my partner’s burning desire to bear a child if my core values privileged nurturing children in care who may not have functional familes?

It is true that for most of my life, I did not want children. But something changed in me within the last seven years. Repro desire has crept into my heart, slowly but surely, and I have to admit that it can be consuming at times. During those moments, it’s hard to remember to make space for Nadia. And it’s hard to know how to make space for Nadia.

I think it must be hard for Nadia, the-lesbian-dad-to-be, to keep her center, her place, her identity vis-a-vis our unborn child in an experiment between my body and anonymous sperm. It’s an adventure where the stakes get higher and higher with each passing day.

The underlying questions remain the same:
*How much will this cycle cost?
*What are they long term effects of infertility drugs?
*How long can we afford to keep doing this?
*Does this crap really work?

And the answers to those questions seem to change all the time. The uncertainty lingers.

But I do know that the love still flows deeply between us and that Nadia will make a great daddy.

For the last four nights, my belly has been our injection site. Tonight we are aiming for the upper thigh–fun!

This round with injectable fertility medications is an infuriating and infantilizing experience. I feel helpless and angry but I am not sure why. I am very emotional and totally zoned out at the same time. Everything interaction seems heightened but I also feel detached from my surroundings.

The routine that Nadia and I have developed around these injections is extremely intimate and intense. We are bonding around needles and fertility medication. If nothing else comes of this, bio-tech has brought Nadia and I closer together.

How ironic!

I just read an article over at QueerCents.com about the cost of infertility. Apparently, Nina and her partner have been trying to get pregnant for sometime and have spent over $42,000. Yikes. Now I see why Nadia was trying to pin me down this weekend. $42,000 in fertility treatments and sperm is definitely not an option for us. Nadia is the more grounded, practical one. The article cites Abigail Garner who recommends that couples agree on a financial cap early on.

I think that’s easier said then done. Nadia wants to know how much I think we should spend on this process. She is not happy about the combination of mixing and injection needles lurking in our bedroom. I am pretty certain that our time to start using them will be this weekend. And neither one of us is really looking forward to pumping me up with medication.

Nadia wants to know when I will be prepared to stop the freaky science, but I could not answer her just yet. She definitely wants to have children but is not sure where we should draw the financial and emotional line. She is the non-bio mom, so I think it can be challenging for her to understand my burning need to give birth right now.

I can’t give her an answer just yet, but I do have my fingers and toes crossed.

My wife, Egg Drop Blogger, suggested I drop in to share what I am feeling. I have never blogged before but here it is……..

I am happy but I am worried….though I must admit I am generally a worrier.

I worry about the freaky science. What effect do the drugs have on the baby? What effect would IVF have on the baby? What effect will this process have on Egg Drop Blogger? What if we have twins? Or tripplets?

I worry about being a parent. Will I be any good at it? What if I don’t love my child? What if my child doesn’t love me?

I worry about the ethics of it. What about all the children already on this earth who have no one? Is it “wrong” to go through such expense and trouble to have our own?

I worry about my relationship with Egg Drop Blogger. What if we fight all the time about how to raise the baby? What if we can’t agree? EDB and I have a very different perspective on the world. She is definately American, she has that can-do spirit of man will conquer nature. I look at the world quite differently. Where I am from in South America life is cheap. You make the best with what you have and accept what life deals you. I feel like a hypocrite working so hard to have my own baby when I think of all the children begging on the streets in my country. Why can’t I help them?

I guess I love EDB because of her positive spirit. I am definately the pessimistic and morose one. I am committed to taking it one day at a time. When I let myself fantasize about the baby though, I feel that it is all going to be alright. I’d love to have a little EDB running around.

How cute would that be!?!

I haven’t posted in ions (okay since July4th) and I have mixed feelings about it. Let me tell you why…

Last cycle I was supposed to start injectable fertility medication but I came down with food poisoning. I threw up several times and I was very weak. There was no way I could start the meds. Nadia and I decided that we should skip this entire cycle.

It turned out that it was a good idea because it gave us time to breathe. I think we were both feeling a bit overwhelmed by the process and even though it was supposed to bring us together watching my eggs drop was starting to pull us farther and farther apart.

She was feeling guilty because she was working so hard. She could not seem to find the time to go to the Dr. with me. When she was able to get there, we would have to sit and wait for hours and sometimes she would have to leave for a meeting before I was inseminated. This was very frustrating. I was feeling resentful because I felt that she was not as invested in this process as I was.

Since we skipped this cycle we have had time to reconnect and discuss our hopes and fears. What I learned from Nadia is that she was feeling very disconnected as the ‘non-bio mom’. It turns out she is very worried she will not be present when I actually do get pregnant and that we will have to tell our child that Mama Nadia was working when s/he was conceived.

I think just hearing Nadia admit that brought us closer. And I think that this time around, unlike the other times, I will feel like Nadia is with me in the Dr’s office even when she isn’t physically there.

In many ways, skipping this cycle was a wonderful, magical blessing, but I am even more eager to get pregnant now. Tick tock.

Coming here and writing makes the process more real, makes me feel more present because it gives me the opportunity to reflect and connect with the generous folks who read this blog; but it can also heighten the egg drop watch, make it more painful, especially when it’s delayed.

I went back in for an ultrasound today and introduced the dr no bedside manner to my partner. He was polite.

Trigger shot tomorrow night and then two subsequent days of IUI.

I hope this works.